It’s wise to have a backup plan. Nothing good comes of being the unprepared a-hole needing to reevaluate life because his perfectly manicured plan went to hell. Don’t be that idiot — always have a backup plan. Even a mediocre backup plan signals the bare minimum competency of a responsible human. The backup doesn’t need to be glamorous or fully fleshed-out, but when things go up in flames, be prepared.
As a former Manchester City fan, I had a backup plan ready if I was ever compelled to move on from the team I’ve supported for over a decade. Maybe I sensed the breakup was inevitable or maybe it’s my constant paranoia, but I knew where to pivot when it was time.
Newcastle United would be my new club in case everything on the blue side of Manchester went to shit. I’ve always had a soft spot for Newcastle for whatever reason — what’s not to like? Their home kits are are classic, their history is rich, and they haven’t sniffed the peak since the ‘11/‘12 season (they took 5th) but have managed to avoid The Big Slip into Championship football for all but two seasons, where they rose back to the Premier League only a year after the fall. Throw in some endearing New Castle squad characters over the past decade — along with Santiago Munez from the “Goal” movie franchise — and you have the perfect fit for this American, more than pleased with himself for identifying a new football bandwagon that only vaguely resembles a bandwagon.
I couldn’t just hit the FIFA Team Randomizer and dedicate my life to watching a team from fucking Finland — let’s be real. There are good reasons why Americans lean towards clubs with modern day success and why the world predominantly follows the Premier League. We want to be watching the big dogs — and I wanted to keep doing that while appearing “authentic”.
Newcastle was the team. They’ve never won the Premier League — but they’re hardly ever out of it, which makes them a convenient landing spot for someone content with a backup plan of sustained mediocrity at the highest measure. They might not be the best of the best to ever exist in the Prem, but she’s a tried and true vessel.
Turn-coating from City to Newcastle made sense. I was all-systems-go for The Big Switch . . . until one of Hell’s portals opened up and spit out this demon-cougar:
The horror.
By cruel chance, I first saw a photo of Amanda Staveley on the same day I saw a picture of Nicole Kidman playing Lucille Ball in some new movie, and I’m still scarred from the experience. The resemblance between the two is both uncanny and terrifying. Since finding a psychiatrist, I’ve talked about these photos in every session, and I’m still not feeling any better.
Sure, Staveley’s face represents everything wrong with the world, but the real crime was happening behind the scenes. Amanda Staveley acts as the genie for Middle Eastern oil-wealth, granting their wishes of legitimizing themselves through sport and bend the perception of their countries away from inhumane greed. As discussed in my previous post, Manchester City’s investors have polluted the game by cooking the books to purchase unfathomable amounts of talent and sports-washing their home country’s sullied name. Amanda Staveley helped broker Sheikh Mansour’s purchase of City some years ago. Staveley’s take on the Middle East? Big fan.
Or maybe she is just obsessed with money and power; I’m not sure it matters. Her moral compass is calibrated in a way that saw her date Jeffery Epstein’s honorable pal, Prince Andrew, for some time, so I’m not sure where she finds her motivation — but I doubt it’s wholesome. I’m only certain that Amanda Staveley and the Saudi Arabian Public Investment Fund’s acquisition of Newcastle United threw a serious wrench in my European football plans.
I can’t do it again.
I already know how the situation in Newcastle will pan out, now being backed by the richest sports ownership group to ever exist — and it starts with acceptance.
Of course the human-rights activists and fellow Premier League teams will slam the takeover and verbally condemn it, but neither will ever do enough to stop it. Amanda switched the machine on and it’s not shutting off from the outside. Those on the ground level — the people putting their butts in St. James’ seats — are the only ones holding any sliver of power, but the Toon Army were blinded by fanciful visions of Kylian Mbappe, Erling Braut Halland, and every other futbol star playing as Magpies.
Colloquialism quota achieved.
It felt unsettling to watch the Sky Sports coverage of Newcastle residents rejoicing in the streets around their home ground, blissfully ignorant to the optics of their new ownership’s moral code. I cant’t judge those folks only because I know all too well the overwhelming joy and relief that comes with your club magically becoming the wealthiest overnight. I can only forgive them for welcoming in this kind of evil because of the endless entertainment they will certainly bring to town.
Newcastle will be entertained, but only the most foolish fans will expect immediate success. The situation in Newcastle is bleak at the moment, as they sit in the relegation zone nearing the halfway point of the season. The pressing issue will be digging themselves out of this dillema but even failure would only delay world-class talent arriving into Newcastle by a year or so. Newcastle United’s newfound wealth would buy them quick passage through the Championship and might need a few more years after to create a landing spot appealing enough for the world’s best. With how much money they’re purported to have, this could all happen even sooner. Either way, fans of all Premier League sides should brace themselves.
There is an argument that cash-injections into the world soccer ecosystem are good for the game. Manchester City purchases player “X” from smaller team “Y” for millions of dollars. Team “Y” uses those funds to sustain themselves and purchase cheaper players from even smaller teams, so the money keeps trickling and everyone is better off for it.
There might be truth to that argument or it could be total bullshit; I’m not well versed enough in sports economics to provide a definitive answer. But the overwhelming feeling in my gut tells me these types of takeovers are not in the long-term best interest of the sport — or the world. Much like Amanada Staveley’s face, it all makes sense for what it’s supposed to be but feels so uncomfortably surreal that it must be rotten under the surface.
This list of Premier League owners perfectly illustrates the disparity being created by these takeovers. Removing NUFC from the convo, you would see Norwhich City take the spot for poorest owners, with a combined net worth of $30 million dollars, and Manchester City as the wealthiest owners with an estimated net worth of $9 billion. Placing them back in the mix, Newcastle United’s ownership takes City’s top place with an estimated worth of $430 billion dollars — Lord, have mercy on our souls.
Nothing could be more lame than a fan jumping from the wealthiest oil-club of yesterday to the one who just dethroned them. Even the rest of the Premier League’s ownership leaves out a glaringly obvious option for honestly earned dollars: a Russian oligarch, American sports families, etc. Who knows what the right choice could be. Just like the clothes I buy or the cellphone I own, I don’t have the slightest clue how to properly vest these companies I support with my red, white, & blue currency. My search lives on, but I certainly won’t be supporting Amanda Staveley and her crew of flunkies.
I used to find people annoying who bitched “Oil Merchant Team!” but now, after maturing to some degree, I think there is real merit in what they’re trying to oppose. Where is the line between right and wrong? Surely, we wouldn’t welcome an abusive dictator into the Premier League, even if their wealth was surplus to what is needed to secure and build up a team of stars — so how is this any different?
Newcastle is in for some dynamite football in the next few seasons, but it’s not for me. Thanks for fucking up my plans Amanda. Now I am truly a homeless bastard of the beautiful game: an idiot without a plan.
Some things to chew on:
| Club | Ownership | My 2 Cents |
|---|---|---|
| Arsenal | The Kroneke Family | Stan Kroneke looks like he’s wearing a cheap Stan Kroneke Halloween mask. Terrifying. Too many Gooners in Austin, TX anyway. |
| Aston Villa | Nassef Sawiris | Egytian billionaire who curiously owns part of Adidas, yet Villa wear Kappa. I must be missing something. |
| Brentford | Matthew Benham | By all accounts, Benham is a club hero. The boyhood fan of the club saved the team from financial ruin and elevated the club to the Prem. Benham drinks for free west of London. |
| Brighton | Tony Bloom | Tony is a card-shark and investor who someone came up with enough cash to purchase a Premier League team. |
| Burnely | ALK Capital | American investment firm headed by Alan Pace who also spearheaded some advancements in player scouting via artificial intelligence. Interesting stuff. |
| Chelsea | Roman Abramovich | Russian oligarch. Putin's pal. |
| Crystal Palace | Steve Parish | An outspoken British owner who attained his wealth through selling his computer graphics company. Seems like a solid dude. No clue if that's true. |
| Everton | Farhad Moshiri | Monaco based millionaire who chairs a Russian based mining comapny. Tough life. |
| Leeds | Milan-born media distributor turned sports team owner. | |
| Leicester | Maria Anders | Owner of King Power; It's on their kits. They're the largest duty-free retailer in Thailad and of course government collusion is mentioned. |
| Liverpool | Fenway Sports Group | American. Sports conglomerate that owns the Red Sox(MLB) and my hometown Pittsburgh Penguins(NHL). I don't feel like they're despsided across the pond but diving head-first into the European Super League could have changed some minds. |
| Man City | Abu Dhabi United Group | You know the drill. |
| Man Utd | The Glazer Fam | Wealthy American family that swooped in and purchased the most popular team in the world. I don't think they're wildly popular with the supporters. They also own the NFL's Bucaneers. |
| Newcastle | Saudi Arabian Public Investment Fund | See above. |
| Norwich | Delia Smith and Michael Wynn-Jones | I guess hosting TV shows and writing books makes you just wealthy enough to be the poorest honors in the Prem. True frist-world problems. |
| Southampton | Dragan Solak | Best name ever. Cable TV operator who makes Southampton infinetly more interesting. |
| Spurs | Joe Lewis | Curreny trader. Wow, did I study the wrong thing in college. |
| Watford | Gino Pozzo | His dad owns Italian side Udinesese, and he got his start in player scouting. Not bad. |
| West Ham | David Sullivan | Former porn magnate who produced movies starring his girlfried. Hammers indeed. Savage. |
| Wolves | Fosun International | A Chinese super-business involed in everything imaginable. |
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